And then he died…

Yesterday I was in the grocery store. It was a hard day for me because it rained and when it rains it makes me more depressed. Of course I make dua for my son but those grey days arent easy days. I had been crying and you could tell. Sometimes it happens like that. Im walking down the street and Im passing the playground that my son died in and grief overtakes you. The sense of loss for yourself overwhelms and you cry. 

So I cried and this lady that I know vagurely from the laundromat asked me what happened. And I get asked that a lot.

What happened to him. Well its simple. 

One day Alhaarith went to school here in Queens and after school he played some 1 on 1 with his friends.  By all accounts he played 3 hard games. He beat his friend Edwin out by 6 points. After he had played he was dribbling the ball…throwing some free shots(or whatever its called) and Dihyah(My 12 yr old) called out to him that he was about to go home.

Haarith said hold on a minute Im bout to come too and then he gasped and dropped to the floor. Dihyah says that he was shaking and breathing very heavily. This was probably agonized breathing that occurs after a cardiac arrest. Dihyah said he tried to do CPR like he saw on TV and called me. I got the call at 3pm that something had happened to Haarith. I thought it was just a school fight or something but all day I had been anxious about Haarith. In the morning he had left for school without saying goodbye. He had his state tests that day and he wanted to be on time. I remember wanting to run after him to tell him to come straight home from school. At about 1pm Dihyah called me to tell me that he didnt feel well. It was only another 90 minutes until school ended, and I didnt feel like walking up to the school with a sick 3 year old to get Dihyah out…so I told him to wait till school was over and come straight home. I remember thinking that I should get him and get Haarith at the same time but I didnt.

By 2.30 I was pacing up and down in the house. I wanted Haarith to sit with the sick 3 yr old . I wasnt feeling right that day at all. I was feeling sick so by 2.45pm I was getting mad…thinking ugh..why doesnt he come straight home from school. Usually Haarith would come home at 2.35pm…so when I got the phone call…I knew it was bad.

I got to the school around 3.15 and by then I knew it was bad. There were kids watching someone on the playground and as I got closer..I knew it was my sons body laying still. I screamed. I knew he was dead. They were intubating him but there was no pulse.

I was able to sit in the ambulance with him while they waited for the paramedics to bring a defibrillator but I knew he was gone. My lovely chunky monkey(as I used to call him ) was still even with the shock. It was surreal.

At the Emergency room…i was taken to a separate conference room. There was so many people there. It was crazy. Police, School safety officers. Traffic cops, Doctors coming in and out. Department of Education liason. It was crazy, One woman came in and said that there was a slight pulse. I breathed at that point and started thinking about brain damage as I knew that he had lacked oxygen for a long time. I knew he would have brain damage at the very least but they had given me hope.

After what seemed like forever, the door opened and two doctors came into the room. I knew it was bad by the way that they were walking. They looked at me and said..we couldnt save him. He had suffered brain death. It was so technical.

The room got very quiet and I looked at all these faces and I said in this voice that sounded so british….Is this a joke? My son? Mine? Dead? Huh? and they nodded and I remmeber it was so quiet. Subhan Allah.

I told them I wanted to see my son and as I was taken to the Peds ER I saw the faces of all the moms in that place. They looked scared and stricken. In the room next to where my son lay was a mother who was gripping onto her chld. I guess they all heard the commotion and knew that there was a serious trauma.

I went to the room and there I saw my son laid on a bed. He still had the intubation tube in his mouth still. I looked at him and I said IM going to cradle him in my arms one last time. I went to pull him up and this sound came out of his mouth. A soft ahhh sound and I jumped up and said did you hear that…hes alive…check him check him. The doctor took out her tools to check his eyes and she said…no hes dead. 

Thats when I lost it. I cried like I never cried before. I cried for all the injustice. All the oppression. I cried for all the pain. I cried for all the hardships that Id endured and I cried for my loss. I cried for the loss of my oldest son. My golden child. The one that I used to talk to like we were friends and worried that we were too much like friends. The one who said he wanted to buy me a house when he was older (I told him his happiness was enough for me) I cried like a baby and as I cried…I rubbed all my tears into his face. I traced his body with my hands. I rubbed his feet. His hands. His head. I kissed him so many times. I can still smell his smell. I hugged him and I cried. Subhan Allah. Meanwhile my phone was going off. It was Dihyah at home with the baby. He wanted to know what was going on. I had to pull out whatever strnegth I had and told him wait till i got home.

I looked at my son and knew that there was nothing else I could do for him. Nothing else but I knew I had 3 boys at home who were waiting for me. Waiting to know and I had to be the one to tell them. I kissed my sons still warm body and started that long journey home. That was it. That was what happened. Nothing. Just that.

My son lived for 14 years and died at the end of his 14th year on this planet. He died the day before his 14th birthday. 

The autopsy came up undetermined natural causes because cardiac death is a natural death. My son probably had an enlarged heart. There no symptoms for this other than death. Thats what the cardiologist said. Its hard to comprehend that my son who looked healthy…was so sick that he died. Thats the reality. My son was sicker than most kids his age but we never knew it. His sickness overtook him. What was written for him overtook him .

My son went to school on Wednesday the 11th of March 2009…and then he died.

Submissiveness..IslamStyle

A few years ago back in 03 I was actively trying to get married ala Islam. I had an email from a brother which blew me away. He said he was a Dominant and he wanted me to invite me to be one of his wives. Now it wasnt odd to me to be asked to be part of plural marriage but it was odd for him to state that he was Dominant. He meant it in the BDSM sense rather than the manly sense. I found this really intriguing and we engaged in an email exchange but at the end I decided that it wasnt for me.
Submission and Domination are two subjects that I find realy interesting. The idea that there is someone superior to someone else and being given the power to actually engage someone else to do as they please.
My interest in this has been a purely cyber interest,..Ive never engaged in actual BDSM play but I definetly beleive that my life as a wife set me up well in the realm of being very submissive.
Islam is very clear when it comes to the role of the woman. She is supposed to be submissive to the male. Theres no if, buts or maybes about that. Her role is to support the male…and its proven in a verse in the Quraan that states, “Men are placed a degree above the woman(because of their ability to support”.
I loved that verse a lot. I loved it because it had a small disclaimer…because of their ability to support. In Islam the man is considered the stronger, the breadwinner and above the woman only because he is supposed to be the provider.
I asked one of the more well known jordanian Scholars about this ayat(verse) and I asked him what about the men who didnt spend and support their women…and he said they were still placed above the women in terms of what they could do but they were lesser men.
Aha…so lets get this straight.
The men who do not support their family are considered less in Islam than the men who do.
The man is ONLY placed above the woman because he does FOR the woman.
Hmm…so to me it seems that submissiveness is a privilege….and not a right.
Some men have called me aggressive. Those are the men who cant control me. Dont know how to get me to follow their trains of thought. For the most part those men who find me difficult are the kind of men that are considered less in my religion.
I cant. Will not. Refuse to respect a man who isnt acting like a man.
I will not. Cant. I refuse to be submissive to a man because he has a penis.
I will however respect and honor a man who stands up for justice and righteousness. A man who looks to our Prophet as the example that he should reach for and respects a muslimah as a man should.
The muslimahs of old were not weak women who let the man do whatver they wanted. They had spirt. They had fire. They had depth.
Those are the kind of women that I aspire to be like,
The ones who ran into battle to aid their men if needed. The first martyr in Islam was a woman named Sumayyah(Raa). Her death was painful and terrible.
Women of those ages walked from Makka to Madeenah in the heat and dust of the desert Sun with their children. Those women stood by their men because their men were men.
Subhan Allah.
Those strong warriors. Those women who birthed sons and daughters alone…those women are the ones I aspire to be like.
Those strong women of substance who were submissve were not like us today but it is those women that I gain my focus from.
I want to be like Aaishah.
I want to be like Khadijah.
I want to be like Sumayyah.
I want to be like Zaynab Bint Jaysh
I want to be like Ruqqayah.

Radiyallahu Anhumma

Those are Mi Gente.

Ramadan Musings(3)

Do you know what Belief in Allah entails?

 Im serious.I mean after knowing the pillars of islam and points off Aqeedah. After knowing how to make wudu exactly in the way of the prophet(saw) and knowing how to clean your teeth with a miswak. After you have memoized all off An Nawawis 40 ahadeeth and you can speak on the points of benefit on each one. After you have learned the 99 names of Allah and the names of the Scholars who are to be taken from in Islam.

Do you know what Belief in islam is supposed to bring about in your   character?

See hadeeths and the kalam of Allah are supposed to be a guidance for us. Allah tells us this so many times in the Quraan.But Belief in ISlam is not an exercise in theories.Its actually acting on what you know and propogating that.

This is one of the reasons I used to say I want a brother who knows one hadeeth and acts on it rather than the one who knows 100 and acts on none.

Islam isnt something you can pick and choose what you wish to believe in. What we believe in is clear. If we contradict any of the tenants of Islam…we need to have a good proof for it or we will be held accountable on Yaum Ad Deen.

I can not stand people who are two faced. I am not a two faced person and I pride myself on that. I may be an emotional fool at times..and some times more than others but Im not two faced.

I may be too blunt but I will say what I feel to the peson who I feel it about.  I had an inteesting yet brief discourse with a sister . Suffice it to say at the end of the discourse..I thought about what I am writing about now.

What constitiutes true belief in Islam.

True Belief in Islam neccessitates actually doing what you say.It demands that you actually act on what you know.  If you do not want to be known as a hypocrite then you strive to do those things that keep you far far away from being a Hypocrite.

Just the thought of possiblly having the signs of a hypocrite should cause you NOT to sleep through fajr and be ready for Isha. After all the Prophet said the hardest salats on the Munafiq are the Isha and Fajr. If you want to be from the sincere ones in Islam…do not  speak with a lie..do not prove yourself untrustworthy and dont act crazy in an argument. All three are traits of a hypocrite in Islam.

Want to be recognized as a Muhmia? Then do those deeds that make you seem that way with sincerity.

Believe in Allah and His Deen and act on what you read.And if you cant act on what you have read so far. Stop reading and try to establish those things in yourself.

To Me that is what true Belief in Islam is. DOing what you say and saying what you do.

Peace

Ramadan Musings(1)

One thing that I know and believe in is that Allah Subhan Wa Ta’ala is definetly in My life in a very active way. Even in my darkest days..in the days when I hated the most..the days where my eyes were red from the constant crying..I always knew that Allah was true and His promise was true…that if you believed in Him..I mean REALLY believed in Him..He would make it easy.

Its something that the muslims who are strong on their deen  find it hard to have mercy on those of us who are struggling…and not struggling because we hate Islam or we hate what we are but struggling because  we have had things happen to us in Islam that has just ripped apart some of the hope that we started out with as muslims.

Its something to see those that are “deening’ enagaging in acts that are far far away from what their exterior projects and sadder still to see that those of us that should know better…dont want to know better…as if Allahs promise is a lie…as if when we are warned again and again of the day that will come..we think we will be safe.

Ramadan is peeking its head around the corner. According to the astrologers the moons is already there ..but we dont take that position. We do as all muslims should do..we look for the new moon of Ramadan becaue we know that Ramadan is going to mean that some of us will be reviatalised in our deen…we want to be one of those who are blessed in the month by having our sins taken away from us…we hope that Allah bestows His Blessings and Mercy on Us in this blessed month.

Ramadan is for everyone.Its  for those that do and those that dont. We are told to extend ourselves more in this month then at any other time. To be kinder and more generous. To be more thankful and more sincere. To be more religious and act on our religious intentions..We are told to be better than we were before because insha Allah the Hope is that from the month that ends on the Eid..we will take what we will have become and be better than before ….and so meet the next Ramadan insha Allah with more of the above.

Oh what a blessed month!

I have such a sense of calm and peace in my life right now. Ater such turmoil and anxiety..Allah has blessed me with sakeenah. I know its Sakeenah because its a calmness that i have within my spirit that soothes me.

Im happy because I know even in my darkest hours..when noone cared about Me…Allah did. I know when I had that last $3 to My name and I had to look at My four childrens eyes who trusted Me..I knew that Allah would be there for me..and he was. Subhan Allah….and all the blessings that come to me…I know that it is from Allah.

Last night my neighbor downstairs rang my doorbell and gave me a Pizza for my children. Every week she has done the same thing for a month. I went into a store today and the muslim owner gave me a wall hanging with the names of Allah on. Its beautiful.The server in the bakery grabbed me today and asked me about Islam. She is 58 yrs old and wants to know what Ramadaan is.

Tell Me that all these things arent from Allah.

I feel sorry for the muslims who wont benefit from this month. I feel sorry but like I said this month is for the ones that dont do either because all those will be in My  duas. Ill make dua for the ones who  have to reconcile being absent fathers from children who deserved more than being their child of their kunya. Ill make dua for the sisters who left Islam and ask that Allah brings them back. Ill make dua for my sons and ask Allah to protect them and Ill make dua for you. Yes YOU who read my blog. Ill make dua for you and your families in this month of Barakah.

And with that said I will be blogging in Ramadaan but Ill try to make it more deen orientated and less secular.

Peace and Love