Love and Lectures.

I’ve never used my writing to vent at people. Well maybe once or twice in a very clandestine way but for the most part when I write its my way of honing my writing skills. Its connecting with the things that makes me happy and one of those things is expressing myself via the written word.
If I was to start with all of the things that I had to talk about I think Id be here all day so I’ll attempt to place you (The reader) in the place where I am now without too much of a rude shock to the system.
LAst Sunday I gave a short talk in New Jersey for some sisters connected to one of the Salafi MAsjids. My good sister in Islam (who also happens to be my ex cowife) had asked me to do it. I agreed thinking that it would be good for me to do something that would focus me away from the turmoil that I had been undergoing and direct that energy to something that would get me closer to Allah.
I had no idea that the event was as high-profile as it turned out to be Well hold up. When I say high-profile I don’t mean that there were foreign dignitaries there. Rather that there was a group of woman…lets say more than 20 less than 100; It was intimidating.
When I realized the scale of the event I played with the fantasy of not turning up but I knew that wasnt really a good option. I mean people were depending on me. I was supposed to be the main event ..How was i going to leave the sisters in the lurch like that? So I strengthened my resolve and decided to place ALL my trust in Allah.
The title of the talk was “Love for Allah” with come focus on the etiquettes that we should have towards one another. I like to talk but I don’t consider myself a speaker. I have always avoided the limelight..even in the heady 90s when being married to someone in the limelight seemed to excite some. I never enjoyed being connected to a “name”. I’m more low-key like that so this for me was a totally new direction. One that I really never wanted once in my entire life as a muslim.
But here I was.
Sitting nervously at a table hoping that no one would turn up(Astagfurillah) afraid that I would make a complete fool of myself.
When it was time to be announced I was shaking from my knees upwards. I was petrified. I don’t know how I got up to the table without slipping but I made it.
My ex co introduced me and then I was on.
I see 20 or more tables in front of me filled with beautiful women covered in various styles of hijab. I gulped and proceeded to recite Khutbah Tu Haajah(The Khutbah of Need) and then it was as if Allah sent some peace onto me. All day I had been making furious dua for Allah to cement my niyah. That I was doing this for His sake and nothing more or less. As I spoke I felt this unbelievable calm come over me and I began to feel committed and in love with the words t hat I was speaking. I was talking about My Lord after all.
It felt almost like the time I kissed the Black Stone in Makkah. I felt in total ebadah of Allah with nothing other than love for my Lord.
Before I knew it I was finished. The nodding heads and approving smiles from the sisters was a sure sign that my talk had been a success. They thanked me as I stumbled back to my table and grabbed my hand to comment on what I had said.
I was happy. Not because I had pulled it off but because I had released my fears and placed my desire to propagate Allahs Deen before my own nafs.
Reflecting on the events from a self-satisfied relief…I have to say that it was one of the most sublime events in my life. I have spent my years worrying and trying to take care of my family and Walhamdulillah I have been able to do so with Allahs permission but this was different.
It helped lift my emaan and I think that its time for me to grab hold of what could be and release what was.

Every day I miss my child Al-Haarith. There is a hole in my heart that will never be fixed but the best thing I can do is concentrate on my Deen and maybe I will be of those that Allah loves and perhaps be with my son in the next life.

” When Allah loves a person He calls out to Jibreel…Allah loves so and so and so Jibreel loves that person too. Then Jibrieel calls out to the people of the Jannah..Allah loves so and so ….so love him also. So they do.
And then acceptance is established for him on earth”
Imam Nawawi said that This acceptance means that people on earths hearts are inclined towards him and love him.

I hope that I can be one whom Allah loves and I wish the same for you too.

Assalamu Alaikum

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