My Sons Panic Attack

My 12 yr old is a lovely boy Masha Allah but ever since Haariths death he seems to be moving all the time. Ive told him to slow down but he doesnt seem to be able to until last night.

I had sent Dihyah to the store for me…he camre back and dropped the items in the door and was off again to Burger King. I was mad because I have been trying to get him to understand that he cant bounce in and out.

Next thing I knew Dihyah came running to my bedroom door with a look of fear on his face. His poor eyes were big as saucers and he shouted at me,”Ummi call the cops!”. What happened..I said…I was so scared at that point and he said no I think somethings wrong with me and I immmediately knew what was wrong with him.

Dihyah was having a panic attack. I felt his heart and it was pounding so hard …it felt like it was about to jump out of his chest and he was drenched with sweat. I looked at my son and knowing what he was going through I chose to keep calm even though I could feel the anxiety in me rising. “Dihyah!” I said “Dihyah! focus on me. I know your scared right not but you have to focus on me . Your having a panic attack I told him. What you feel is not real..its all in your mind. What you have to do is push it away. Visualize the fear as if it is a wall and push it away. Shout at it and tell it…No you will NOT control me…and I stood in front of him and pushed the fear away from him and showed him how to do it. As he copied me I saw his eyes became less dialated and I saw his chest stop heaving so much. He was crying and shaking but I could see the panic escaping him.  When I saw that he was close to normal I explained to him what a panic attack was and I explained to him that what he had just done was tell his brain that he wasnt in flight.

Wallahi it broke my heart to see my son like that. I told him that this year has seen some great things for him but I told him that Alhaarith is dead and nothing will bring him back. Hes gone and we will never see him again. I told him to allow himself to mourn his brother. That it was ok to let go and cry. It was ok to be confused. No matter what blessings come to my family…the sad theme to our life is never going to leave us. Our son and brother died and we have to allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief when it comes knowing that there are those around us who will love us and understand our spontaneous moments of tears. There are those around us who realise that as life does go on because life has no other option. One thing remains the same and that is that my son is dead. Any joy that I find will always be tinged with the pain of losing my first born son. Any and all joy will be touched by my hearts yearning for my son.

Yes after hardship comes ease but this pain is part of me  now. As much as the skin on my body.

Allah help my heart and my familys because by Allah I miss my son something terrible.

Sighs……………