4 and a half months

Thats all its been since my baby died but at times it feels like 4 and a half minutes…at other times 4 and a half years. Its still hard reconciling the son that I had is now gone. I guess the realisation sinks in fast that there will be no knock at the door telling me that it was all a horrible mistake. Theres not going to be anyone telling me that Alhaarith is really here because he isnt here. Hes gone.  I ask my 3 yr old what happened to Alhaarith and he says that Haarith died and when I ask him where Alhaarith is…he says hes gone to heaven…and I ask him will we see him again…and he says yes. Its not easy teaching a toddler about death but he seems to have understood the finality of it very well.

There are those who professed to be there for me who slowly vanished in the months after my sos death. I cant blame those people after all…I cant say I was much company but those who stayed and were sincere are still here and for those people and myself I think I owe it to myself to keep looking onward.

I cant lie. Looking onward consists a great deal about my own demise. The fear that Im going to die at any minte has been replaced by the fear that I may die on other than Islam. That scares me a lot and  I seek refuge with Allah from that.

In the months that followed my sons death..I have done a great deal of thinking.  I think what life means to me and what my chilren mean to me. They mean this world and everything contained in it. I have 4 sons…one who is not with us but I will always be a mom of 4.

Four and a half months. 4 sons.

Today 4 seems like its a good number.