Three months..
Is that all its been?
Since I had to say goodbye trying not to make a scene.
Three months of crying
Trying not to lose my mind
Trying to redirect my fear into something better less unkind.
Three months of disbelief
Is it really the end of what we had
Never could have imagined that life could be so sad.
Three months back as a mother of three
Never thought the numbers could roll back
If I could roll to 3 months and 1 day theres so much Id retract.
Three months. Three years. Three decades.
I really miss my son.
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My first “encounter” with Harith. A friend of mind, a mutual acquaintance, lived in Peoria while you were there. One day she called me and she was like, I met this beautiful sister, named Umm Al-Haarith, masha’allah she is (fill in the accolades). My first thought was “Why would she name her son Haarith. I mean, I know the hadith and all, but that name doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. It’s definetly different.” My friend got an attitude, “That is a beautiful name, she said. And you should see Al-Haarith, he is a little man, girl. And Umm Haartih is doing her thing, she is a great mom and she is so strong.” I never forgot that name, and everytime I thought of it, it became more distinguished and noble sounding in my mind. She always had good things to say about you and your family, and she made me really wish I could meet you someday. Although we lost contact a few years later, I never forgot the name. And the uniqueness of that name and how Allah made it so memorable, I pray is a source for many duas for Haartith from all of those who heard of him or new him in this life.
I found this article, I hope it is useful to you.
http://www.grieflossrecovery.com/grief-articles/eglington01.html
Thats so sweet. I never wanted the name initially. I thought it was too weird for a little boy of mine but masha Allah when he was born..it fit him like a glove. He lived up to his name indeed. He was a little man. He helped me so much over there. He had a lot of responsibility for a little boy. He had a lot period.You know ugh dont cut my neck with those compliments now. Im no one. Im just a sister who went through a lot and insha Allah Im just grateful that Im still in Islam. I dont know how other than Allah SWT must want me to be a muslim because there were some very low times for me where I felt truly lost. But looking at the face of my sons kept me together. Looking at all of them.
I made loads of mistakes in my life but none of them were my little men.
Thanks for sending that comment.
On losing a sibling: I lost my brother when I was 8 and he was 4. I remember feeling illogical fear that my brother hated me and wanted to kill me, I also blamed myself for his death. I would replay what I could have done differently so many times… but I never told my parents how I felt. I would just try to get closer to mom. The warmth of her body made me feel safe and helped me sleep so i would always sneak into her room at night. I felt very raw for a long time. One day a family friend out of the blue asked me how I was doing and I was like fine. How do you, as a child verbally express all that guilt, fear and pain? You can’t. So I said fine. He said “You know, what happened to your brother was not your fault. It wasn’t anybodies fault.” The weight that lifted from my shoulders was astounding. I don’t think, as a child, that I even understaood that I did think it was my fault. Saying all of that to say, talk to the boys. This is probably the worst thing they have ever been through and they don’t know enough about themselves or the world to digest it.
Barakallahu Feeki, ya Ukhti
I actually did but its hard for them. The 12 yr old saw his brother die.He tried CPR. He ran to a passing car for help. He ran to his friends house (whos fathers a doctor) for help. He feels like he let his brother down. He asked me if it was his fault. I told him no and I showed him a video of someone who had a cardiac arrest and survived it. That made him feel better because he could see that the most important thing to be used was an AED and that didnt get there until way too late. He tells me he is scared he will die all the time. How do you make that easy for a 12 yr old? A 12 yr old who has to go to a cardiologist every year and is at a higher risk from the same condition developing. How?
Growing up, I guess because of experiencing the death of my brother at a young age, I had an illogical fear of death and the dead. Hospitals and graveyards really freaked me out. I would have anxiety attacks whenever I saw a picture of my brother (and they had one of him in his coffin, which I would stumble over looking through albums. I felt like I would drop dead just seeing him and so grew a fear of the albums themselves). Looking back, I understand now that my fear came from the panic that my family felt whenever anyone died. They didn’t understand they wailed and cried, the were utterly lost. Seeing all of that pain, panic and raw emotion fed my fear. Becoming muslim helped me have a better understanding of death and conquer my fear. We learn that death is not a criminal, theif preying on the unsuspecting and snatching people away from the ones they love. We know that death is a part of life. Allah tells us that this is the certainty that we all must face at some point. We learn that death is like going to sleep, a peaceful, beautiful sleep for the believers, a tormented one for the disbelievers. We understand that we have a job to do in this world, but we only have a short time to do it. When it’s done we rest and wait to reap the reward of our actions. Life is like a relay race. We run hard and fast, hoping to cover the miles we need to ensure our victory. But at some point, we have to pass the baton and wait on the sidelines while others continue the pace.
We know that those we love who have completed their task here on earth are in the most capable, glorious and merciful care. We know that (if they were blessed to hold onto Allah’s rope) that we can still benefit them with our prayers and good deeds. Our grief is a selfish grieving, for what we can’t have more of. We want more of their hugs and smiles and more of their smell. More days of their company. Reflect on Prophet Musa and his reaction when the angel of death came to him. He smacked out his eye, but when given the choice between more hours, days, years and and decades to spend with his beloveds, he chose to meet Allah and be in the company of the righteous. He understood, no matter how much you delay, the inevitable will still occur.
Teach them to accept and not fear that beautiful sleep, the sleep of the newlywed that cannot be awakened accept by his closest of relatives.
Uhibbuki Fillah