Sometimes Life just gets to me
Sometimes Im afraid to cry becauae once I start I cant stop crying.
This weekend was one of those times where all I did was switch between crying and non crying. That weight in my chest is here again. That dryness of my throat. That useless feeling of just uselessness.
On Edit: This is called Grieving. Its a process. Its a natural process that Allah has decreed for us. No one is free from this unless they are sociopaths. Had my husband died in Islam I would have 4 months and 10 days to grieve openly. The secret to grieving isnt not to grieve but to make sure that its fluid. As long as you dont stay on one stage too long and keep progressing then its ok to go back one step. I didnt lose a book. I didnt lose my mind. I lost my child. Allahu Alim when Ill be without tears but I suspect it will be never.
I said it before. My old italian neighbor is about 70 something. Her child died at 4 months. When she told me about it…I could see the pain in her eyes was as fresh as when it happened.Grief has no time limit. When Yaqub thought Yusuf was dead…he cried so hard that he went blind.
Blind. If I cried that much until my eyes turned white…would it be excessive?
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I pray this doesn’t sound callous to you, Allaah knows I mean it in the best way, but have you tried therapy sister? The grief you’re feeling is a very normal thing, but some people could use another person on the outside to help them sort through their feelings and possible give solutions/ideas in order to manage to get through daily life. It’s clear that you’re having a hard time. May Allaah help you and be with you always. I’m just worried because sadness and depression are from the ways shaytan enters into our minds and begins to have influence on our souls. May Allaah protect you – and all of us – from that, ameen.
I know how I feel. Im sad because my son has died.
A therapist will tell me that Im exactly where I need to be in this process. She will tell me that as long as my emotions are fluid then they are normal. She will tell me that as long as I dont have suicidal thoughts then im ok. She will suggest that I take some medication for my panic attacks to which I willl tell her that Im not into medicine to numb my feelings.
She cant tell me how not to resent certain people or how to forgive those that oppressed my son. She cant tell me what to do with a 12 year old who is intoxicated by the streets of NYC and she cant tell me how to pay my rent. lol.
I mean yknow? This is life uhktee and I wish things were at a complete stop for me but they arent.
Im forced to move forward to continue on this path of life even when I want to stay in place,
Wow, so it’s much more than dealing with the grief I see. Well, definitely a non-muslim therapist could not give you the spiritual advice you need, and perhaps not even a muslim one. I guess I was more alluding to someone else – in general – (muslim sister or girlfriend) to talk to, to work through your feelings with. You mentioned before that some of the people around you felt you were grieving too long…a therapist came to mind because I thought the people around you (if any) couldn’t help if that was how they felt. I just get the feeling that you’re going through this all alone, and you shouldn’t have to. Sitting with someone with open ears and just letting everything out can work wonders for some people. That’s all. The internet is weird…I have no way of knowing if I’ve upset you, I certainly hope I haven’t.
Girl this has been my life for the longest. I dont know how id survive if I wasnt worrying about A, B or C. Its just a state of mind that you need to be in when your life is like mine but Alhamdulllah/ I have people around me. My problem is that I can get very non communicative at times. I tend to drop off and go into myself. I guess that comes from being a twin..its what I used to do when my twin was getting to me. Id just mentally disappear.
A lot of stuff that bothers me..I cant really talk about. I know it sounds cryptic but thats the truth. Thats the stuff that weighs on top of me. That stuff was there before my son and its still here.I am blessed though in that the people that I can reach out to are pretty awesome. This is just a “me” thing.
And nooooo way have you upset me.
Its funy as I was typing this a sister friend called me. She just lost her job. Shes the sweetest sister masha allah but she can be a lil persistent at times. Talking to her though made me feel lighter because her conversation can be so frivolous at times yknow….lol…Anyways you cool!
Asalaamu Alaikum,
I stumbled across this poem and thought of you:
He’s Free
by Judy Gagnon
I knew you had to go away
it was your time you see
but I didn’t take the time to face
that you were leaving me.
You weren’t afraid of dying
for you knew what lay in store
in the blinking of an eye
or the closing of a door.
You shared with us a journey
that only you could see
and helped us understand God’s way
as it was meant to be.
Life had so restricted you
your spirit is now free
to go explore the universe
for all eternity.
He will always be missed and loved, a reminder for all of us.
Umm Hafsa
That was beautiful.
You know what it is? I have to remind myself that even though he looked well…he was really sick.
At least I got 14 years of a healthy him because I dont know I would have handled 14 yrs of him being sick then to lose him.
So there was no warning. No signs. He didnt even know he was going unless you count the dream that he had on the Monday before he died. He dreamed he was going to die.
salaam,
A friend of mine just lost her 3 year old daughter masha allah after a brief illness. My youngest daughter and her daughter were classmates and good friends. She was a beautiful, sweet little girl and now she is gone. Insha allah she is in jennah! Because of my profession, I saw her often during her illness and was there with her when she died. I’m having a really hard time. I find myself feeling tremendous sadness, becoming tearful out of the blue at times… So for you as the mother dealing with the incredible loss of a child, your grief is perfectly normal. I tell you that from a professional standpoint and from common sense. I think you are still constantly calling on Allah so you are not overstepping any bounds. I pray that Allah eases your pain. Grief is a powerful emotion and it is a *process*. It takes time.