Short and Bittersweet

Woke up this morning feeing rested for the first time in a long time. Heard the baby in his brothers bedroom watching TV. The first thing I did was call Al-Haaaaaaaaaaarith.

But there was silence.

Then that fleeting moment of forgetfulness left me and I remembered again.

Thats how it comes.

Forgetfulness is a blessing for me because for one small moment…I think that everythings normal but it isnt. Is it?

Today its been 11 weeks since my son died. Babies have been born. Seasons have changed. But one thing hasnt changed,

People say to me..you seem to be doing ok. And I say how am I supposed to be. Walking around in tatters wuth my mascara runing down my face? I still feel the same, Im still lost and you know what worse? My sons have lost the ummi that they used to have.,.because even though Im here…part of me has gone. I had an idyllic childhood. They have to have one living with this.In a way I feel like I failed them but then I read in the news that a woman killed herself last week. Her son died 2 years ago and she never revovred. She used to participate in groups to remember her son(He was killed in Iraq). On the surface she seemed “ok” but she wasnt. She was slipping and she chose to take her life because she wanted to be with her son.

Having other children its hard to understand taking my life plus with my belief in suicide being haraam. I cant even imagine that but bear that in mind. Just because it looks ok doesnt mean it is.

Thats why I blog. Thats why  I have always blogged.

When I start to get really dark. When I feel myself fall into myself..I say  yes Alhaarith died. And today and tomorrow and every day a mother is going to say goodbye to her child and never see them again. Im the only one who lost Alhaarith but there are mothers that lost their hearts too. We all feel this pain individually but as a collective we cry together.

My thoughts are with Mike Tysons wife. Losing a child in the way that I did is terrible and I often think about what I missed. What I could have done. For her daughter to die in that way…I dont know how you can see the daylight knowing that your child died in one of those moments (as mothers) where we blink for a split second.

And another mother will bury her child.