But we’re just an ordinary family..

The day after Alhaarith died, Dihyah looked at me with his big eyes and said, Ummi…why did this happen to us…I mean we’re just an ordinary family.

I looked at him and I felt so weak. For the first time in my life ..I couldnt explain to my son why these things happen. I had to tell him that they do. But thats how it feels. What a lonely place to be.

Such a roller coaster of emotions. I crave the days where I feel hopeful but day like today. Grey days. Days when all I want to do it sit alone are hard. Im a mother grieving by myself. Being a single mother is hard but being a grieving single mother is so much harder. My ex husbands fortunate. He gets to be with his wives and forget this. Distance can be such solace at times like this. You can dissociate yourself from the reality of what happened. Its the same kind of dissociation that allows us to disconnect from those things that we should never be disconnected from. I envy him. I envy his abilty to disconnect. When my son died I wasnt able to tell him straight away.  I didnt have a number. Well tell a lie. I had a number but it was lost on my aol account months ago. When my son died. All I could do was call a masjid that had no answerphone and try to ask brothers I knee to get hold of him. In the end he found out in the worst way. Ill aways regret that. I dont think that death of a child should be given to a father other than by the other parent. I have to keep reminding myself that Im not the only parent of Alhaarith who has to live with this loss. No matter what we do to busy ourselves. When we lay our heads to sleep at night., We lay our heads knowing that one of our sons is dead.

Thats not easy. Today is a dark day for me.

I was sitting quietly and I said out loud OMG Alhaarith is dead.

Thats how it is. 

We are an ordinary family but this piece of ordinary I didnt want a part of.

My thoughts are with another sister that lost her 8 year old daughter in Birmingham last week. Make dua for her also. Im not sure of the details and I wouldnt narrate them here anyway without her knowledge but enough for it to be known that another little sister has returned to her Lord. Inna Lilahi Wa Inna Lilahu Rajiun.

ON EDIT

I realised that actually we arent ordinary. Theres nothing ordinary about the things that Ive seen or seen done. Nothing ordinary at all.