Im here….

I dont get scared.
My faith tells me without a shadow of a doubt that life is just a moment in the scheme of things.
Death is the doorway to what we have been promised. We are supposed to learn some hard rules first thats all. Some of us didnt have to learn anything but were taken in order to teach.
The question for me isnt ..is there something else. But what have I learned from this in order to go forward as there is no real moving ahead for me. Just going forward as the night precedes the day…as the grass grows…I have to go forward.
And ultimately when we are dead we will face the reality of what this is also.
And thats the point where there will be no going back on what we thought or hoped.
I used to think wouldnt it be nice if we all went to that promised place. No matter where or what we believe in..but I dont think that now.
I really think that this life is a test and thats all. The biggest test of all.
The question is how well will we each do.
My sons death cemented my belief. I buried him according to Islam knowing what happens to him when he was wrapped in his shroud( In Islam we dont bury the dead in their clothes but rather in their original naked state with a simple white shroud that covers them), he was washed according to Islamic edicts and perfumed with precious oils.
My son looked peaceful and as he was laid ‘to rest” I prayed that his soul would find solace in its in between state(known as the Bazarkh).
Knowing he is in that state forces me to address my own faith.
If my faith is wrong….why bury him according to that faith,
And what does that mean for him.
So for me, I HAVE to believe.

I wrote this for an email group for grieving mothers. Someone asked..what if what I believe in isnt right..

My Sons Panic Attack

My 12 yr old is a lovely boy Masha Allah but ever since Haariths death he seems to be moving all the time. Ive told him to slow down but he doesnt seem to be able to until last night.

I had sent Dihyah to the store for me…he camre back and dropped the items in the door and was off again to Burger King. I was mad because I have been trying to get him to understand that he cant bounce in and out.

Next thing I knew Dihyah came running to my bedroom door with a look of fear on his face. His poor eyes were big as saucers and he shouted at me,”Ummi call the cops!”. What happened..I said…I was so scared at that point and he said no I think somethings wrong with me and I immmediately knew what was wrong with him.

Dihyah was having a panic attack. I felt his heart and it was pounding so hard …it felt like it was about to jump out of his chest and he was drenched with sweat. I looked at my son and knowing what he was going through I chose to keep calm even though I could feel the anxiety in me rising. “Dihyah!” I said “Dihyah! focus on me. I know your scared right not but you have to focus on me . Your having a panic attack I told him. What you feel is not real..its all in your mind. What you have to do is push it away. Visualize the fear as if it is a wall and push it away. Shout at it and tell it…No you will NOT control me…and I stood in front of him and pushed the fear away from him and showed him how to do it. As he copied me I saw his eyes became less dialated and I saw his chest stop heaving so much. He was crying and shaking but I could see the panic escaping him.  When I saw that he was close to normal I explained to him what a panic attack was and I explained to him that what he had just done was tell his brain that he wasnt in flight.

Wallahi it broke my heart to see my son like that. I told him that this year has seen some great things for him but I told him that Alhaarith is dead and nothing will bring him back. Hes gone and we will never see him again. I told him to allow himself to mourn his brother. That it was ok to let go and cry. It was ok to be confused. No matter what blessings come to my family…the sad theme to our life is never going to leave us. Our son and brother died and we have to allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief when it comes knowing that there are those around us who will love us and understand our spontaneous moments of tears. There are those around us who realise that as life does go on because life has no other option. One thing remains the same and that is that my son is dead. Any joy that I find will always be tinged with the pain of losing my first born son. Any and all joy will be touched by my hearts yearning for my son.

Yes after hardship comes ease but this pain is part of me  now. As much as the skin on my body.

Allah help my heart and my familys because by Allah I miss my son something terrible.

Sighs……………

4 and a half months

Thats all its been since my baby died but at times it feels like 4 and a half minutes…at other times 4 and a half years. Its still hard reconciling the son that I had is now gone. I guess the realisation sinks in fast that there will be no knock at the door telling me that it was all a horrible mistake. Theres not going to be anyone telling me that Alhaarith is really here because he isnt here. Hes gone.  I ask my 3 yr old what happened to Alhaarith and he says that Haarith died and when I ask him where Alhaarith is…he says hes gone to heaven…and I ask him will we see him again…and he says yes. Its not easy teaching a toddler about death but he seems to have understood the finality of it very well.

There are those who professed to be there for me who slowly vanished in the months after my sos death. I cant blame those people after all…I cant say I was much company but those who stayed and were sincere are still here and for those people and myself I think I owe it to myself to keep looking onward.

I cant lie. Looking onward consists a great deal about my own demise. The fear that Im going to die at any minte has been replaced by the fear that I may die on other than Islam. That scares me a lot and  I seek refuge with Allah from that.

In the months that followed my sons death..I have done a great deal of thinking.  I think what life means to me and what my chilren mean to me. They mean this world and everything contained in it. I have 4 sons…one who is not with us but I will always be a mom of 4.

Four and a half months. 4 sons.

Today 4 seems like its a good number.

Where do I start?

There have just been way too many things going on around me. The last day of school was 2 weeks ago and having the boys home has been a change. I was scared of them being home because that would mean that Id notice Al-Haarith’s absense more but alhamdulillah it has actually been ok.

Everyone graduated in Haariths class and his friends all wore buttons with Haarith’s photo on. The school didnt graduate Alhaarith or give me a diploma. I thought that it would have been nice for them to do that but I guess they wanted the students to move on and not have a graduation turn into a memorial for my child. Allahu Alim.

I wish it was as easy to move on from his passing. Its getting easier saying the words my son died. Its a certainity that I have and hold within me every day. Not one day goes by where I dont think about my son and not one salat passes that I dont ask Allah to increase my sons grave and/or bless him with Al Firdaws. My son is all around me in his memories.  I miss him as much as when he first died. If anything I miss him more because I realise that he will always be 13  in this dunyah. The mercy for me is that I have these other children whom all have charateristics of Haarith.

Wallahi those boys are a blessing even the little tornado nene who doesnt allow me to wallow in sorrow for too long. Between him asking me for everything in the freezer that even slighly resembles an icepop , Hammams mood swings (Masha Allah) and Dihyahs need to bless the streets with his presence(Allah make it easy for that little kid) I dont have too much time to be stagnant emotionally.

But there have been a lot of things that have been happening. Some cool and some crazy.

Ill start with the crazy! About 2 weeks ago part of my living room ceiling collapsed. I was sitting in my bedroom and all of a sudden heard a type of tearing and ran into the living room to watch , in front of my eyes> half of my ceiling collapse in front ot me! Alhamdulillah noone got hurt but it was scary considering that my baby was just in there playing on the laptop. Subhan Allah so Ive had to deal with that because my landlord decided to change all the ceilings! So I had workmen ripping down old ceilings, painting…the whole 9 while me and the boys were trapped in my bedroom which is the hottest room in the house! We had to live like this for 1 week and it was a fitnah. There wasnt even space to make salaat most of the time..! I have photos of the mess that I was living with just so you can appreciate the fitnah  of house repairs. I dont know how we handled the dust other than by Allahs permission. Tomorrow insha Allah Ill show the finished result!

Crazy!